Who is this woman in my mirror?
This loud, brash creature who by necessity has lived in a world of hate, death and pain sprinkled with the wondrous, the blissful and the grateful?
She remembers tenderness from her childhood but now as it returns to her own life its so powerful and a bit frightening for her. Is that why it’s so hard to find? Is it because it frightens us and makes us feel vulnerable?
She hasn’t felt the beauty of a perfectly thoughtful peaceful day for as long as she can remember….just fleeting tantalizing wisps of depth that disappear as quickly as a hummingbird or a snowflake.
When she can manage to smile her eyes still remain sad . They always seem to betray her.
Those windows….those windows into the past. Her past mingled with the past of the souls she’s brushed against and who have torn at her own. So many of them! Nameless now because to remember them makes her bleed inside….but still there nevertheless.
Her mothers eyes look back at her. She looks like her mother…who would have ever guessed! Yet the glint of a protector is there as well … yes her eyes are the color of her father’s eyes. That strong man who loved her so deeply but yet never got to know her. Does he know her now? Does he still love her.
Oh my God it took so long! But it needed to. It took until now for her to realize that her life …all of it…every joy, fear, aspiration, touch and taste were nothing but a prelude to today. Singularly they are inconsequential, but together…they made her the mosaic that she ponders today.
Its not just a journey for her… its not just the looking, searching, learning. Her quest to find herself was completed a long time ago without her realizing it.
Its been about overcoming her blindness, her refusal to acknowledge the succinct nature of her soul. The rest is all just bricks and mortar. The sweat and calluses of a grand builder. The trappings of a window display.
I like the woman in the mirror. Yes she’s badly flawed and imperfect…damaged goods if you will.
But, she’s a child of my dreams and hopes finally realized in flesh and blood.
I can finally say I love the woman in the mirror.
Remember, eating the forbidden is the collective female vice.
And we will never be excluded from that. 🍃
Toni Grace 02/07/18